Golden Rules to Survive in My Company

I'm working in a famous private institution in my country. The first impression whenever people hear about my company is... "Wow...that's for the rich! Oooo... full of crappy psycho...."
So now, I'm going to share the golden rules of surviving in my company. It really needs certain expertise in order to live happily ever after.


Rules No.1: Predator

Be a powerful predator in the company. Hunts down the prey before u yourself become the victim without even knowing what's going on. You must fully equip yourself with sharp claws, poisonous fangs, stereoscopic vision, maximum sensitivity & skillful hunting tech-tics.


Rules No.2: Perform at the Correct Time

Only perform during the correct timing, for instance, when the boss realises your existence. Please talk as loud as possible if u have completed certain task, and let the whole world knows that u are the one who is doing it. Better still, on your speaker to full volume so that your boss can hear it too. Or, use a camcorder to tape down how well u can act, and show it to the boss. They love to see the staffs performing. If you are a quiet worker, u may kiss good-bye to the company.


Rules No.3: Miracle-Maker

Under all circumstances, especially when the matters are related to publicity, u are dimmed to be a miracle-maker. Change the impossible to possible, by all mean. To try your best is an inappropriate attitude, cos when u try your best, doesn't mean that the miracle will appear. Therefore, my company is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, where many Harry PotterS and Hermione GrangerS are so busy casting their spells all around, or sprinkling the potion to make everything possible.


Rules No.4: Protective Shield

The first year is basically working in a graveyard. All you get is bullet, no matter u are wrong, or innocent. Swallow the bullet, or leave, the choice is in your hand. U should learn how to save your own ass under every circumstances, as no one is there to back you up. In fact, they will use the sharpest knife to back stab u until u bleed profusely. Shit-cleaning is a very common task. Being called into the boss's room is like having tea-break in Starbucks. However, if u can get through the first year, u may start to smile from the second year onwards. Just like me, successfully survive for 8 years!


Rules No.5: Make your Boss Loves You

Please figure out a way to make your boss loves u. You may use any approach u want, as there is no restriction in this. When u become the apple of his eyes, u can have a sleepless night. A stable position, and got promoted, with salary increment, and of course year end bonus! I think my ex-boss does love me!


Rules No. 6: Be a Commander

When u are carrying out your duty, u must learn to be as cruel as possible. Do as I say, as I'm the commander. Do not ever show your smiling face, and be extra strict in every words u use. This must be started from the very first minute when u carry out your duty, else u will definitely die miserably.


Rules No. 7: Be a Tai-Chi Master

A Tai-Chi Master, means that u only do the work that u are suppose to do. Other than this, it is none of your business, so u should mind your own business and go back home when the clock strikes 4pm. Be firm, or people will push all their responsibility to u, as in cleaning the shits. When people know that u are difficult to mingle with, they will soon get their hands off u. Learn to speak for yourself.


Do u wana join my company? I welcome u!

"Official" Lunch

This is the current hot-topic occurring in my office.

Imagine this scenario: It is a hot & sweaty outdoor activity for 5 hours, all standing under the scorching sun. At the end of the activity, all are having "sweet-scene" from the sweat, looking extremely hideous, with T-shirt & short pants, plus the sport shoes, and the sticky hair.

What would u do after the activity if u were in this situation? Go straight home to have a good bath, and get a good sleep of course. Will u bother to go for a lunch at an air-conditioned restaurant???


The following is the speech from the head of my office, after seeing that only 9 out of 120 staffs intended to attend the so-called lunch:

"I was so disappointed because there were only 9 of u who signed up for the buffet lunch. And the other department is even worse, only 1 of them signed up. Sometimes, u have to know what is official, and what is not. Since this is an OFFICIAL matter, so u all should put in the effort to make it, especially those who are still single. The boss was very unhappy with it, and were suspecting if u people were boycotting him! I will put up another name list, and please make the proper decision."



Some of the staffs got so pissed off and fought back:

"Well... we never know to attend a lunch is an OFFICIAL matter, we were never told about it, and it never did happen in the history. All these while we were given the choice whether we want, or do not want to attend. Next time, please make it clear."

"Since u said that it was OFFICIAL, then please don't put up the name list before-hand and ask us to choose whether we are going or not."

"What do u mean by SINGLE should put in extra effort to attend? Does it mean that we are so free and we got nothing personal to deal with??"


The conclusion is:

WE WERE ALL BEEN FORCED TO ATTEND THIS SHITTY LUNCH AFTER THE OUTDOOR ACTIVITY, JUST TO PLEASE OUR NEW BOSS, AS HE FELT SO EMBARRASSED BECAUSE NON OF US BOTHER TO FOLLOW HIS WILL!

DAMN U!!! And here's my middle finger!!!